Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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