I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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