i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
