You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
