I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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