if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
