Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
