i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
