The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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