I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
