he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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