One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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