so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
