After last night, I could never be a politician.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't turn off my feet"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
