R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
