Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
