Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
