Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
