Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
