So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
