Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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