My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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