Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
