3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
