I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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