This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
someone owes me an orgasm
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
