if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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