According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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