Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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