I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
