I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
