as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
