saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
