Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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