well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
