My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
