I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
