I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
