if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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