my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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