toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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