seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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