I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
