Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
