i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
