mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
