We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
