Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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