I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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