she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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