God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
