At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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