It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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