Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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