What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
