ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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