i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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