Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
