I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
